Thomas: Crisis of Faith
by Eogrus
Summary: A commentary on french politics. Also happy cat day!


It was a very nice day in Paris. The sun was shining, and there were mimes on the streets. The croissant shops were all open and people were in the Louvre watching modern art and cinema. The cats were walking on the streets, appreciating the hot midday sun that burns away convictions and mediocrity.

Oui, haf you seen ourr motherr? said Marie the prettiness delicious hot white cat with a bow in her cranial hair and neck.

Thomas, the adoptive parental pumpkin coloured tomcat, could not help but protrude a boner for his marvelous charge. But he was a man with a semblance of a moral code, so he hid his throbbing spiny erection with his forepaws.

N-non, I vill searrch forr herr he chirped desperately like a constipated goose.

Bon, me and my brrozerrs vill go to donate to Manifs pour Tous to end frreedom for LGBT individuels in Mexico and keep many childrren in ze orrphanage. Au Revoir!

And so Marie grabbed her pervy siblings tails and went. They were very disgusting cishet males who worked for french animation, they always objectified women but threw a hissy fit whenever LGBT characters were featured in animation. Thomas shed a single tear of french catholic pride, his adopted children were growing up very fast. Especially Marie s boobs.

Anyways he went to look. He searched all over Paris, in the subways, in the depths of the Seine, inside women s arses and Naruto conventions. But he couldn t find Duchess anywhere.

Damn it woman, vy cunt you hide vherre ze sun shines and I can find you!? said Thomas exemplatively, masturbating his filthy cock in frustration.

Unfortunately, the cat cock barbs cut through his paw pads, shredding his hand palms like knives.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MERDE COCK YOU VILL PAY FORR YOURR LAST DECLARRATION SINS! shouted Thomas as his shitty syphilis infested blood was splayed on the streets.

As if that wasn t enough, he heard an evil croon voice LAUGH at his misery from the rooftops.

Hon hon hon how you fucks yourrself you miserrable old man! said a lustful evil voice.

Thomas got very scared and thought of running away, but he managed to suppress his french instincts and stood up to fight.

I m not afrraid of you! Come down to face me you froussard! he inflated himself with bravado, clenching his fists as he gesturally promised a punch.

Except, clenching his paw made his claws dig into his exposed dairy-consuming flesh, so he yelped in pain. The other person shook the head dismissively.

You arre too pathetique to behold, but in my infinite merrcy I shall bless you.

Then it descended from the rooftops, unto the ground. It was ..CAT NOIR!11

Now come on, I vill show you the trrue meaning ov strrength said the superhero heroically.

Cat-Noir motioned for Thomas to follow, and he did. They walked down the streets until they ended up in Notre Dame, the glorious center of french spiritual power. A sunlight shone down from the heavens into the cathedral porch, revealing several crucified people: Asterix, Obelix, Yugo, Adamai, the Smurfs, Marsupilami, Ladybug, Xerneas, Esmeralda and Titeuf.

Please, rrelease us frrom ourr sins! moaned Adamai evilly and draconically.

Cat-Noir only smiled, and sent a blast of black energy to corrode their flesh and internal organs. They all died an intensely agonising and slow death, and Thomas had a boner again.

You see, only God can deterrmine the fate of individuel lives. You must purrify the face of this earrz frrom sin, lest its miasma infect civilisation wiz complacency and cagots.

Thomas nodded eagerly. He was glad such a righteous person understood his National Front worldviews. He held a torch and set a stake on the cross Ladybug was, and purred as the flames consumed her underage extremely whore flesh and black hair, the fumes darkening the sky.

They walked inside the cathedral. Inside there was a pleasant surprise: Duchess had been there praying all along.

My love, here you arre! said Thomas happily, I have been looking forr you everryvherre!

Only, he noticing something: Duchess was moaning lustfully and masturbating her filthy pyometra pussy, rubbing it on the wooden chairs and spreading rotten pus everywhere. She did this because her puddendal nerves were being stimulated as she ejected an immense black turd from her anus!

Oh yeah Elpidius of Lyon fuck me! she moaned harlotly as she had an orgasm shitting herself.

Sacrebleu, such sacrilege vill NOT be tolerrated! said Cat-Noir angrily as his eyes bulged out of his skull.

Thomas was torn apart. On the one hand, Duchess was a sinful whore and probably a cagot and a gypsy. On the other, he couldn t let the love of his life be killed, and orphanage his beautiful children. Only same-sex couples should be torn apart, after all.

Oh my Lorrd vhat will I do!? cried Thomas sadly like when cats do when someone is kicked offscreen in a movie.

Thankfully, the Lord answered and spoon fed him the answer for him. There was a series of explosions, that blew the cathedral and burned all the wooden chairs and blew up several columns and glass windows, tearing the building apart. Fire and rock rained down everywhere as the cathedral was obliterated, but Duchess was too lost in her pleasures to leave, her pristine white fur consumed by the flames and her torso smashed by the rocks, expelling the shit into Cat-Noirs and Thomas s faces, which they licked with much pleasure.

Nonetheless, she was having nothing other than the most intense of orgasms, even as her consciousness faded.

No, my love! cried Thomas sadly, even though he was very aroused by the womanly essence in his mouth.

Let it go mon ami, God made the judgement for you Cat-Noir said, mildly annoyed, as he grabbed Thomas and jumped out of the crumbling Notre Dame.

Only, it wasn t God. As the dust settled, evil figures appeared, and they wore turbans!

Muslims spat Cat-Noir venomously.

What!? No, we re SIKHS you racist asshole! said ...RAJAH, SHERE KHAN AND BAGHEERA!

Yeah rright, you rre SICK in the HEAD! shouted Cat-Noir meanly as he jumped at them.

Shere Khan hit Cat-Noir with a paw, tearing apart his pretty face with a flesh-ripping claw strike until there was only white bone. Adrien whimpered and run away, crying for daddy.

Now that leaves you said Bagheera at Thomas, a bomb in his paw.

N-now gentlemen, zerre s no n-need forr fureur said Thomas cowardly.

But just as the three big deliciously manly exotic pantherine cats with big muscles and balls were about to kill him, a giant bulldozer trampled them over, crushing their inwards like the finest dariole. The bomb exploded, however, and the bulldozer was blown apart. At that point Thomas was desensitized to the bombings, and it was a mildly interesting experience. Still, he went to inspect the remnants of the vehicle, so search for the pilot and maybe convert him to Catholicism or kill him?

Hello, is anyone zerre? Do you worrship ourr Lorrd Jesus Chrrist? asked Thomas, preparing his talons just in case it was a nonbeliever.

There was a silence, then a cough.

Son, zerre is no God said ...MEOWRICE!

Sacrebleu you wash yourr mouth you cagot faggot! said Thomas, preparing to kill, but he knew he didn t have the balls to do it. Or the non-french genetics.

Deny it as you vill, but ze only God is money. Money iz POWERR, money is the gearr that drrives the worrld. Tell me, does yourr goverrnment not forrsake God when ze crrisis hit? Did yourr people not forrsake the Lorrd when theirr pockets werre emptied and their bellies filled only wiz ze void? Face it, mon ami, even yourr churrch hates anything but that which vill feed theirr bank accounts.

Lies! cried Thomas as his worldview crumbled to dust.

Meowrice laughed.

The only lie herre is vhat you tell yourrself in sleepless nights, in moments of doubt. But even zen, therre is no sleep and the doubts arre not allayed. Therre is no God, therre is only the darrkness of yourr own making, and the aching of yourr account.

And, with a final breath, Meowrice died. Thomas stared emptily, the words sinking into his skull gradually but surely.

Hey daddy, ve vent on a mystical jourrney and ve learrned that ourr arrchaic beliefs werre wrrong and Toulouse and Berlioz ended up married to Miguel Barragan and Anole rrespectively said Marie guiltily, Hope you rre not mad.

Thomas thought a bit.

No, sweetie, zat s perrfectly fine.

Amen. 


End file.
